What to Say to Someone Who Has Lost a Baby

Losing a baby, no matter how young or how small, is a painful experience. Unfortunately, not a lot of people understand how much it hurts, how much it changes you. When your baby dies, a part of you dies as well and no matter how many days, weeks, years go by, you will never get over it. 

I know that friends, families, colleagues, neighbors, coworkers mean well and try to say and do the right things. Often they don't, but that's because they don't know what they should do, what they should say and more importantly, what they shouldn't say.

I belong to a number of support groups for parents who have lost an infant either through miscarriage, still birth, or who have lost their child a few hours/days after delivery. I asked them what they wish people had done and said to them. I hope this helps you as you try to comfort a loved one who is living through this nightmare. 

DO say something. There are no words that can alleviate the pain, but do say something, even if it's "I don't know what to say". What matters the most is knowing that people you care about are thinking of you. So try saying "we're thinking of you and your family" or "we are so sorry for your loss" or "we love you and we're here for you". If you're really at a loss for words, just listen to the grieving parents and offer them a hug. But please, don't pretend nothing has ever happened - that is usually really hurtful.

DO help the grieving parents. Many people say "let me know if you need anything", but the reality is, grieving parents rarely know what they need and they're not thinking about food nor about any other typical household chores. It's more helpful to say "I'm coming over with some lasagna" or "I'll come over and clean up while you rest" or "I'll stop by to drop some groceries". We had some friends call a bunch of religious establishments to find a priest that could perform our son's funeral, others brought us food, others came over just to listen to me. All these actions were  helpful and it meant a lot to us. 

DO attend the funeral, memorial or any other type of service honoring the child’s life. Attending the funeral shows you care and support, and your recognition that this baby was unique and loved, even if she or he didn't live long. This will be the only thing you'll ever be asked or able to do for the baby. Your presence means a lot to the parents. If you can't attend the funeral, send a letter or note.

DON'T tell the parents not to cry. Crying is a way of expressing grief and it typically makes people feel better. The smallest thing might trigger tears, so don't try to understand what caused it. It might be uncomfortable for you to watch a loved one cry, but don't stop them from doing so. What should you do if  grieving parents cry in front of you? Hold their hands, give them a hug, offer your shoulder to cry on or cry with them. 

DON'T say "You can always have another baby." I've had people say to me "you're young, you'll have another child." While I'm relieved that I will be able to be a mother again, having another baby will not replace the one I lost. Saying "you can have another" is not encouraging, in fact, it diminishes the mother's pain. If a parent lost a 10-year old child, you wouldn't say "you can have another" because kids are not replaceable...well, neither are babies. 

DON'T say "Everything happens for a reason." I am a big believer that things do happen for a reason, but after I lost my baby boy, I started hating this platitude. What could possible be the reason for having my baby die in my arms? Also avoid saying things like "it's for the best", "your baby is in a better place", "it was God's plan" or "things will be OK". 

DON'T say "At least you already have a child." Parents are grateful for the children they already have, but this does not eliminate or lessen the pain they feel by the lost of their baby and for the dreams they had for that child. They will forever think about how their living children would have had another sibling and how there will always be someone missing in their family. 

DON'T say "At least you weren't further along." Many women already love their baby, even before he or she is born. While some don't feel very attached to their baby during pregnancy, everything changes when they hold their little one in their arms. It doesn't matter how far along you are, your baby is your child and this child has died and that is a horrifying experience. 

DON'T say "Get over it". Do not pressure the parents to move on. Grief is a complicated emotion that takes time to process. Many of the women whom I have spoken to are still grieving, even after 5, 10, 20 years, even after having other children. Understand that, although the parents might slowly return to normal, the pain of losing a child will forever be present. There's no real way to get over it. 

DON'T say "I understand how you feel". Most of us have gone through the loss of a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, a pet, a dream. Although those are all painful and difficult experiences, they are not the same as losing your baby. Please don't say you understand how the grieving parent feels unless you have gone through a similar experience. And if that is the case, then please say so. It is helpful to talk to someone who truly understands. 

DON'T avoid the parents. Despite the confusion and blinding grief in the weeks following my own pregnancy loss, I remember every single person who acknowledged my loss -- and the notable silence of those who did not. Some of the grieving mothers to whom I talked to, mentioned feeling abandoned and alone after their loss because their family and friends started avoiding them. When I returned to work, I felt my coworkers were acting as if I had an infectious disease...many were afraid to even look me in the eye. Don't stop calling or visiting the grieving parents because you're uncomfortable or because you don't know what to say. Call, even if it's just for 1 minute and say you love them, say you care, offer your help.  Don't worry about reminding them of their baby or their pain. Trust me, they haven't forgotten that their baby died.  

DO talk about the baby. When a new baby is born, everyone asks you question about how your baby is, how labor went...but when your baby dies, no one says a word. I wish they didn't assume that I didn't want to talk about it. In fact, I love talking about my baby boy. Women in my support group also say that they enjoy talking about the dreams they had for their baby and showing pictures of their child. Also, if the baby has a name, do call him or her by his/her name. It makes it real and lets me know that others acknowledge his existence. 

DO listen and check in. We received many flowers, condolences cards and had so much support from friends and family the first few weeks after my baby's passing, but then, everyone moves on and assumes we are doing fine. But it can take several years for a mother and father to feel "resolved" over the death of their baby. I can't say how touched I feel when I receive an email or phone call from a friend who asks me "how are you guys doing now?" It shows me that they care and understand that the pain hasn't dissipated. 

DO be sensitive. Some women don't feel ready to attend parties, holiday festivities or baby showers. Some find it difficult to be around children, pregnant women and babies. Be sensitive to them and to their needs. Don't force or guilt-trip them into going out, attending events or being around your kids. And please, don't take it personally. It's not about you, it's about them needing more time to heal. 

DO remember. Parents who have lost their babies don't have many memories to cherish, but their baby is still their child. Do remember the baby's birthday and death anniversary. Typically, those tend to be difficult days for the grieving parents and any love/support you can offer will mean the world to them.