My dear little angel,
Yesterday was a tough day for both your dad and I. When I woke up, I had a vague recollection that your dad had been crying, but I wasn't sure if it had really happened of if it had been a dream. I later found out that he was crying in bed. He had seen a picture of me while I was still pregnant and then he had spent some time looking at pictures of you. He just lay there crying. He told me that I woke up and said "cry as much as you need." But I don't remember that. I wish I had stayed up and comforted him. We need each other in moments like these.
On the bus to work, I typically read a book about bereavement or I browse through a few online support groups. Yesterday, someone posted a beautiful article that was published on Still Standing Magazine. Sometimes, you don't really know what you're feeling until you read about someone else's anguish and pain. I was trying to control my tears a little on the bus, but couldn't. The strange thing is that, there I was, in a bus that is completely packed, crying, and no one noticed me. No one noticed it! No one knows that I had a you, my darling baby boy, and then lost you! It's such a lonely world out here.
I got off the bus and it was cold and misty...just like me. I love it when Mother Nature agrees with me. I feel like maybe she understands and is feeling the same way. I was just walking to work, in the rain, lots of cars passing by, but I was the only pedestrian around. I don't quite know what happened at that moment, but I just started to sob uncontrollably. I pondered whether I should stop, sit on the sidewalk and just let it all out. But I didn't. I kept walking and sobbing and couldn't stop.
Some days, things are going really well. I can think of you and smile. I can remember holding you in my arms and find comfort in that memory. But then, there are days when things are just so tough. It feels like being in the
ocean...at one moment, the water is calm and you're having a grand time swimming around. And then, a wave hits you and you're drowning, gasping for air. It's painful, frightening and you feel like you're dying. And then you're faced with a choice: do I give in and let myself be swallowed by the ocean or do I try to fight these insurmountable waves and swim back to shore?
Yesterday, I was able to swim back.
Yesterday was a tough day for both your dad and I. When I woke up, I had a vague recollection that your dad had been crying, but I wasn't sure if it had really happened of if it had been a dream. I later found out that he was crying in bed. He had seen a picture of me while I was still pregnant and then he had spent some time looking at pictures of you. He just lay there crying. He told me that I woke up and said "cry as much as you need." But I don't remember that. I wish I had stayed up and comforted him. We need each other in moments like these.
On the bus to work, I typically read a book about bereavement or I browse through a few online support groups. Yesterday, someone posted a beautiful article that was published on Still Standing Magazine. Sometimes, you don't really know what you're feeling until you read about someone else's anguish and pain. I was trying to control my tears a little on the bus, but couldn't. The strange thing is that, there I was, in a bus that is completely packed, crying, and no one noticed me. No one noticed it! No one knows that I had a you, my darling baby boy, and then lost you! It's such a lonely world out here.
I got off the bus and it was cold and misty...just like me. I love it when Mother Nature agrees with me. I feel like maybe she understands and is feeling the same way. I was just walking to work, in the rain, lots of cars passing by, but I was the only pedestrian around. I don't quite know what happened at that moment, but I just started to sob uncontrollably. I pondered whether I should stop, sit on the sidewalk and just let it all out. But I didn't. I kept walking and sobbing and couldn't stop.
Some days, things are going really well. I can think of you and smile. I can remember holding you in my arms and find comfort in that memory. But then, there are days when things are just so tough. It feels like being in the
Yesterday, I was able to swim back.
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