Three weeks later...

My dearest son Leo,

Yesterday marked 3 weeks since you were born. Your existence in this world, as ephemeral as it was, left an everlasting mark on my life. I don't think anything in my life has ever been so wonderful, so powerful and so difficult as your birth and death.

Yesterday, while I was at work, I texted a friend of mine and told her about you. Her reply was "that's fucked up!" I think that's the best reply I've gotten so far. It is fucked up! That is exactly what it is!!! For some reason, I have a harder time writing about it than talking about it. So, I started to tear up and ran to the restroom. The last thing I want is to cry in front of my coworkers and be seen as the 'sensitive girl'. I was surprised at how fast the tears came and how hard I cried in the restroom stall. It felt good to let it all out. I then wiped my tears, looked at myself in the mirror, and went back to work.

I got a call from a friend earlier this week. We haven't seen each other in years, because we live so far apart, but we keep in touch. Last week, she emailed me asking how my pregnancy was going and I told her what happened. I often find that, when telling others what happened or when telling them about you, I need to be the strong one. I know people ask about you because they want to be nice. They call to see how I am and I know that's a little uncomfortable for them. So I feel that I need to be strong so that they're less uncomfortable.

This is the little hat you were
wearingat the hospital

Yesterday, I started thinking about joining a support group for parents who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. The thought of talking to strangers makes me a little nervous, but at the same time, I think it will be easier to talk to strangers. Plus, maybe it will be good to hear other people's stories and share mine with people who truly understand what I'm going through. I know that most of my colleagues, friends and family think that I'm over it already. Sometimes, I too think I'm over it, but then sadness and pain hits me like a truck - such a heavy load.

Last night, I was in bed, reading my bereavement book and I felt so sad. I took the little hat you were wearing at the hospital and fell asleep with it, clenched between my fingers....but eventually, that too slipped away from me.

More Announcements to Friends and Family

I haven’t written in a while. My new job is keeping me busy and by the time I get home, I’m so tired! Now that my mother and my in-laws have left, I’m back to doing a lot of the normal house chores. I was lucky that my guests helped me so much. It’s a little hard to get back to my normal responsibilities.

This past Saturday I went for my blood test, which is the 2^nd part of the sequential test (test to determine if there are any chromosomes abnormality with the baby).  We should hear back on Tuesday. The doc told me that if everything is ok, the nurse will call. If there’s anything to be concerned about, my doc will call. I’m hoping to hear the nurse’s voice!

Two weekends ago, I invited my closest Seattle friends to have brunch at one of our favorite brunch places. I asked the waitress to hand out the fortune cookies I  had prepared  whenever she was handing out the bill. It was a funny event. The fortune cookies said “a new bundle of joy is arriving soon” and some said “good things come in small packages.” Our friends, 2 couples, read the messages and started freaking out a little. Of course, they thought this was THEIR fortune. I didn’t see that coming! Then, I told them “the fortune cookies are from us.” They were still a little confused, so I had no choice but to blurt out “I’m pregnant”. Their reaction was fun. Just pure happiness. It was really great.

When my mom was here, I gave her some fortune cookies to give to my uncles and their families. She has given it to them, but they have not opened it yet. I don’t know if they will. I’m starting to think that maybe that the fortune cookie announcement wasn’t such a great idea. I’ll call them in a week and ask them to open it.

We’ve also video chatted with a few family members on my husband’s side of the family and announced the news. Since we’re so far from everyone, it’s great to be able to see their faces and their reactions. It’s been fun telling people. I started wondering, what is it about pregnancy that makes others so happy for you? Are they happy that you will finally discover the joys of parenthood? What about those who are not parents yet? Why are they so happy?  I’m not complaining of course, I’m just wondering. 

Not Sharing is Hard

I've been waiting for week 7. I don't really have a reason, I just want the weeks to go by fast. It's been hard to keep the secret and I can't wait to share the news with everyone.

I went to a brunch place with friends over the weekend and had to softly ask the waiter to make sure my eggs were not runny.  I realize now that I forgot to ask what kind of cheese was in my eggs. I really hope it was pasteurized. It's been a little hard for me to remember all the things I have to watch out for now, especially since I've always eaten everything and often, without even knowing what I'm eating!

We had one of my husband's friend stay over with us for a few days. We bought him some cold cuts and he asked me how come I wasn't having any. I gotta keep coming up with lies really quickly and it's not always easy. I said that I was trying to cut fatty foods out of my diet. I think he bought it!

My friends are taking about a 100km bike ride coming up in a few months. They are really trying to convince me to join them and I keep saying "we'll see". I'll probably be 6 months pregnant by then and it's probably not a good idea for me to do a 100k bike ride, but I can't really tell them why.

Tomorrow, is the big day. I'm going to the doctor to have my first ultrasound and see if you're ok.

I'm relieved because I haven't bled (or spotted) since Sunday. It's been 3 full days! I have been taking it easy - ie no exercises...I hope things remain the same after I start working out. Also, I've started noticing some changes. This morning I noticed that my areolas are larger in circumference, which is also a sign of pregnancy! Yay! And I've had some queasiness in the morning, but it only lasts about 1 minute. I hope it stays that way and doesn't get worst!

Oh! Yesterday I watched a documentary about pregnancy and saw a woman giving birth. I could see everything. Wow, the human body (the woman body) is amazing but oh gosh! I don't know if I can do that. I look forward to having my baby in my arms but don't look forward to the delivery. That is scary! It actually freaked me out a little...I don't know if it was a good idea to watch that documentary!

Today, we got some great news. Your dad was published in a tech magazine and got accepted into a reputable startup program. This year is looking great so far! Also, I'm starting my new job on Monday. I am a little worried about having to tell my new bosses 2 months into the job that I'm pregnant, but hey, that's life right?  I just hope they have a good maternity leave because I really don't think I can take only 12 weeks off....well, we've got time.

One last thing! A few weeks ago, even before I knew I was pregnant, your paternal grandma (your appama) told me that she had a dream that I was sitting on some stairs with my husband and that a 7 year old girl came running to us. It was our daughter. My husband has been saying that he has a feeling that the baby is a girl. I don't have any clue or gut feeling yet, but these seem to be signs that the baby might be a girl and I'm ok with that! :) I don't think we'll find out the sex though before delivery, so this mystery will only be solved in February!