Dear Leo,
It's been 3 weeks since you came and left this world. To me, it already seems like so long ago. The past few days and weeks have been really long and intense.
This past Monday was my first day back to work. I took 8 days off in total, which was a little bit more than I wanted, but your dad wanted us to spend more time together, and that was a good idea. As I walked from the bus stop to my office, I hated myself for a moment. I was thinking "how can I just be walking to work as if nothing had happened? How can I just go on and do exactly the same thing i was doing before you were born?" My walk is only about 10 minutes, but that was the hardest walk to the office ever. I know I need to go back to work, but it seemed like i was denying your existence by just going back to normal.
When I got into the office, I know a lot of my coworkers didn't really know what to do. I got hugs from 2 ladies at work and a few 'welcome back'. But some people, didn't even look at me or say a single word to me. I keep telling myself "they just don't know what to say....they just don't know how to act...they don't want to hurt you". But at the same time, I'm thinking "I don't have leprosy, you can come close to me!" It just felt so weird. It's Wednesday now and still a couple of people haven't said a word to me. It's a small office (about 13 people) and we all sit in a large open space, so it's not like they haven't seen me. Anyway, I don't know what to make of this.
Monday was a tough day. I stayed at work late, until 7pm. In a way, I wanted to stay at work, because it kept me busy. I was also a little worried because I had a lot of catching up to do and I don't want to be seen as a liability. I got home pretty tired and the kitchen was a complete mess. I think I was upset that your dad didn't empty the dishwasher, wash the dishes in the sink, take out the garbage...so I got home, took off my jacket and started cleaning up. Then, your dad tells me that our friend delivered her baby the day before. I was happy for her, she is my friend after all. But as I was doing the dishes, I fell the tears coming. Was I just frustrated because of the messy kitchen? Was I jealous that my friend has a healthy baby who is alive? Was I upset with the whole coworker situation? I don't know what it was.
On Monday, I also contact a lawyer friend of mine and told her about the clinic that refused to help me on the day of your birth. I had walked into a clinic, told them I was 23 weeks pregnant, bleeding and in pain and they didn't help me. After a few quick online searches, I found out they are not allowed to refuse me. I didn't think of suing them at first, but on Monday I thought I should do something. I know that suing them will help future patients and women...but a part of me thinks I'm doing this because I'm angry at them. I can't believe the receptionist didn't help me. As a human, she should have offered me some assistance. She just sat there, as I cried in front of her!!!! Argh.
I finished reading a book called "Grieving the Child I never Met". It was a mix of help for grieving parents and religious passages. I didn't find it very useful. Now I'm reading a book entitled "Empty Cradle". It has stories from other grieving parents. The book makes me cry, but it also allows me to validate how I feel and I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one going through this pain.
I just saw some pictures of my friend and her newborn baby on Facebook. My friend looks so beautiful and so happy and her baby looks healthy. I teared up seeing this picture.I immediately thought "I wish that was me". On the pictures of me holding you, I look so worried and sad...so different from my friend.
I miss you Leo.
It's been 3 weeks since you came and left this world. To me, it already seems like so long ago. The past few days and weeks have been really long and intense.
This past Monday was my first day back to work. I took 8 days off in total, which was a little bit more than I wanted, but your dad wanted us to spend more time together, and that was a good idea. As I walked from the bus stop to my office, I hated myself for a moment. I was thinking "how can I just be walking to work as if nothing had happened? How can I just go on and do exactly the same thing i was doing before you were born?" My walk is only about 10 minutes, but that was the hardest walk to the office ever. I know I need to go back to work, but it seemed like i was denying your existence by just going back to normal.
When I got into the office, I know a lot of my coworkers didn't really know what to do. I got hugs from 2 ladies at work and a few 'welcome back'. But some people, didn't even look at me or say a single word to me. I keep telling myself "they just don't know what to say....they just don't know how to act...they don't want to hurt you". But at the same time, I'm thinking "I don't have leprosy, you can come close to me!" It just felt so weird. It's Wednesday now and still a couple of people haven't said a word to me. It's a small office (about 13 people) and we all sit in a large open space, so it's not like they haven't seen me. Anyway, I don't know what to make of this.
Monday was a tough day. I stayed at work late, until 7pm. In a way, I wanted to stay at work, because it kept me busy. I was also a little worried because I had a lot of catching up to do and I don't want to be seen as a liability. I got home pretty tired and the kitchen was a complete mess. I think I was upset that your dad didn't empty the dishwasher, wash the dishes in the sink, take out the garbage...so I got home, took off my jacket and started cleaning up. Then, your dad tells me that our friend delivered her baby the day before. I was happy for her, she is my friend after all. But as I was doing the dishes, I fell the tears coming. Was I just frustrated because of the messy kitchen? Was I jealous that my friend has a healthy baby who is alive? Was I upset with the whole coworker situation? I don't know what it was.
On Monday, I also contact a lawyer friend of mine and told her about the clinic that refused to help me on the day of your birth. I had walked into a clinic, told them I was 23 weeks pregnant, bleeding and in pain and they didn't help me. After a few quick online searches, I found out they are not allowed to refuse me. I didn't think of suing them at first, but on Monday I thought I should do something. I know that suing them will help future patients and women...but a part of me thinks I'm doing this because I'm angry at them. I can't believe the receptionist didn't help me. As a human, she should have offered me some assistance. She just sat there, as I cried in front of her!!!! Argh.
I finished reading a book called "Grieving the Child I never Met". It was a mix of help for grieving parents and religious passages. I didn't find it very useful. Now I'm reading a book entitled "Empty Cradle". It has stories from other grieving parents. The book makes me cry, but it also allows me to validate how I feel and I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one going through this pain.
I just saw some pictures of my friend and her newborn baby on Facebook. My friend looks so beautiful and so happy and her baby looks healthy. I teared up seeing this picture.I immediately thought "I wish that was me". On the pictures of me holding you, I look so worried and sad...so different from my friend.
I miss you Leo.
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