Something Else Could be Wrong

At this point, a late period is usually a good sign. I'm 6 days late, but the pregnancy tests are all negative. I tested many times. They all display the same words "not pregnant." 

Every time I take the test, I tell myself "this will be it...". Everyday that goes by without my period arriving gives me a little hope. But now, my doctor says that something could be wrong. It could be thyroid...it could be early menopause...it could be something else. Seriously?

What is frustrating is that child bearing is something that millions of women all around the world have done. Some without any care or without any planning. It should be as natural as losing your baby teeth or learning how to walk. But somehow, I'm learning how to walk in a land mine. I carefully try to find my way and BOOM! There's another mine. 

I try so hard to be positive. I am telling myself that I can't possibly have thyroid or early menopause (did I mention I'm 33 years old?). I eat healthy (always organic, always home cooked meals), I exercise, I take care of myself. What else can I do? I don't understand. I'm losing so much control of my body and I hate that. I feel at a loss...and the sad part is that I know things could get worst...I'm almost expecting them to get worst at this point because I'm so used to bad news these days. 

I do pray to God that nothing is wrong and that somehow I get the strength to get through this, on top of everything else. 

An ounce of hope...

I think that's all I have left...just an ounce of hope, and that keeps getting smaller and smaller. This past few days have been hard. It's been almost 8 months since Leo passed away. That means, that I would have been holding an 8-month baby in my arms right now. It's painful to think about all that would have been. My life would have been so different. It would have probably been chaotic and exhausting but I would have taken that any day...anything is better than this. 

To make things worst, I just got another negative pregnancy test. There goes another drop of hope down the drain. Why is this so hard? I've had so much hardship in the past few months, why doesn't God just grant me something good right now? I need it so bad. I need some good news, something positive, something that will bring me an insane amount of joy...something that will bring light into my now dark heart. 

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, I shouldn't look at their lives and envy the little perfect families they have. I shouldn't be holding their baby and be thinking 'I should be holding my baby'. I shouldn't, but I do. But then again, I shouldn't have lost my son Leonardo, and I did. 

Nightmares

Dear Leo,

I haven't had any dreams about you yet. It saddens me a little. I wish I could see you in my dreams. I would take that as a sign that things are ok with you and I'm sure it would bring me comfort.

Last week, I dreamt that I was about 36-38 weeks pregnant. It wasn't you though...I was pregnant with your little sibling. I was excited that I had past the 23 week mark, which is when I lost you. But this dream wasn't a comforting one. The baby I was carrying stopped moving. I then had to deliver him or her and it turned out to be a still birth. Another dead baby!

I sure hope this is not a sign. I know that in my next pregancy, my only concern will be to get to the 37-40weeks mark...but even that doesn't guaranty a living baby. Most people, when they think about pregancy, they don't worry about giving birth to a baby that will live. But for me, that is all I want. I want to bring my baby home.