Dear Leo,
Yesterday, your dad and I had dinner with some good friends. They helped a lot, providing your dad with a lot of information, when we were in the hospital.
The guy (our friends are a couple) talked mostly to your dad, but the lady, talked to me a lot. She asked details about what happened, about how I felt, about my bump when you were still in me. I really enjoyed talking so much about you. When your dad started listening in and the 4 of us were talking about you, he started to cry. I don't think your father has taken time to process everything yet. I have cried a lot when I was off from work, but your dad hasn't had a chance to really take time off. He's working a little less, but he is still working. I'm worried about him, but I'm glad that he doesn't bottle it up and that he is able to cry. Although, it does hurt me to see him suffering. During those times, I hate that my body didn't work as it was supposed to. I hate that I'm the reason your dad is suffering. If I was like every other woman and had a normal cervix, this would have never happened. Gosh, I never knew I could be so mad at my cervix...a part of me I never even thought about before your birth.
Our friend told me that if she were me, she wouldn't be able to go out for dinner after 3 weeks. Other people have told me that I was strong for going back to work, because they wouldn't be able to do that. Others have said similar things, comparing my ability to return to normalcy to their perceived ability to do the same. I know that in a way, it's a compliment. But I started asking myself whether it's normal that I can bounce back so fast. Does that make me a bad mom? Does that make me a strange human being? Does that mean I don't love you as much as I think I do?
Leo, tomorrow I'm visiting my friend who gave birth last Sunday. She had a little boy. I remember thinking that it would be so cool for you, because you'd have a little friend who's just 4 months older than you. Plus, my other friend is pregnant too, and her baby is due 3 months after your due date. You would have had so many little friends! To be honest, I'm excited to see the new baby, but I'm also scared. I'm worried that when I hold him, I'll start crying. I'm worried that holding him will remind me of holding you and that I'll feel envy. I don't want to cry, because visiting a new baby is a happy event and I don't want to ruin it with my sadness. It would be horrible for the new mom. If you are watching over me, please give me the strength to go through this and to be a good friend. Stay close to my heart, so that I feel your presence while holding another baby.
Yesterday, your dad and I had dinner with some good friends. They helped a lot, providing your dad with a lot of information, when we were in the hospital.
The guy (our friends are a couple) talked mostly to your dad, but the lady, talked to me a lot. She asked details about what happened, about how I felt, about my bump when you were still in me. I really enjoyed talking so much about you. When your dad started listening in and the 4 of us were talking about you, he started to cry. I don't think your father has taken time to process everything yet. I have cried a lot when I was off from work, but your dad hasn't had a chance to really take time off. He's working a little less, but he is still working. I'm worried about him, but I'm glad that he doesn't bottle it up and that he is able to cry. Although, it does hurt me to see him suffering. During those times, I hate that my body didn't work as it was supposed to. I hate that I'm the reason your dad is suffering. If I was like every other woman and had a normal cervix, this would have never happened. Gosh, I never knew I could be so mad at my cervix...a part of me I never even thought about before your birth.
Our friend told me that if she were me, she wouldn't be able to go out for dinner after 3 weeks. Other people have told me that I was strong for going back to work, because they wouldn't be able to do that. Others have said similar things, comparing my ability to return to normalcy to their perceived ability to do the same. I know that in a way, it's a compliment. But I started asking myself whether it's normal that I can bounce back so fast. Does that make me a bad mom? Does that make me a strange human being? Does that mean I don't love you as much as I think I do?
Leo, tomorrow I'm visiting my friend who gave birth last Sunday. She had a little boy. I remember thinking that it would be so cool for you, because you'd have a little friend who's just 4 months older than you. Plus, my other friend is pregnant too, and her baby is due 3 months after your due date. You would have had so many little friends! To be honest, I'm excited to see the new baby, but I'm also scared. I'm worried that when I hold him, I'll start crying. I'm worried that holding him will remind me of holding you and that I'll feel envy. I don't want to cry, because visiting a new baby is a happy event and I don't want to ruin it with my sadness. It would be horrible for the new mom. If you are watching over me, please give me the strength to go through this and to be a good friend. Stay close to my heart, so that I feel your presence while holding another baby.
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