My dear son Leo,
From what I've read so far, there's not much I can do to fix or help the fact that I have an incompetent cervix (gosh I hate that term). But, I've told myself that I would still try to get my body stronger. I'll workout more (as soon as I get the doctor's green light), I'll eat really well, I'll take better care of myself. Not that I haven't - I'd say I'm a really healthy person, but maybe there's more I can do? Maybe I can be super super careful about everything and treat my body like a shrine; respect it, take care of it, worship it.
But most days, I hate my body. I hate that it has an incompetent cervix. I hate that it also seems to have incompetent breasts...why does my body not realize that I don't have a baby? Why do I have to keep producing milk, even 3 weeks after losing you? I mean, why this constant reminder of what I lost? I also hate that I'm 10 pounds heavier than I was a few months ago, even with you no longer in me. Sometimes, I think to myself "why bother?". Why should I take care of this body that has failed me, that has hurt me? Sometimes, I just feel like punishing this body. It deserves it. It did something horrible to me, something that cannot be forgiven, something that cannot be forgotten.
From what I've read so far, there's not much I can do to fix or help the fact that I have an incompetent cervix (gosh I hate that term). But, I've told myself that I would still try to get my body stronger. I'll workout more (as soon as I get the doctor's green light), I'll eat really well, I'll take better care of myself. Not that I haven't - I'd say I'm a really healthy person, but maybe there's more I can do? Maybe I can be super super careful about everything and treat my body like a shrine; respect it, take care of it, worship it.
But most days, I hate my body. I hate that it has an incompetent cervix. I hate that it also seems to have incompetent breasts...why does my body not realize that I don't have a baby? Why do I have to keep producing milk, even 3 weeks after losing you? I mean, why this constant reminder of what I lost? I also hate that I'm 10 pounds heavier than I was a few months ago, even with you no longer in me. Sometimes, I think to myself "why bother?". Why should I take care of this body that has failed me, that has hurt me? Sometimes, I just feel like punishing this body. It deserves it. It did something horrible to me, something that cannot be forgiven, something that cannot be forgotten.
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