Dearest Leo,
I didn't really feel like celebrating my birthday this year - it could be because I'm getting older, but mostly because it falls on Mother's Day...my first mother's day.
It was not at all like I imagined it would be. In my mind, my first Mother's Day was going to be me, holding the little 3-month you and having your dad spoil both of us on that day. It would have been posting perfect pictures of you and I on Facebook, like all the other mother's out there. It would have been getting calls from friends and family, wishing me a happy first Mother's Day.
But no, that is not what was in store for me. I had planned on running a 5K race on my birthday. I wanted to start this new year with something a little intense, something that reflects my life right now...just running from the reality, running from the pain - running makes me feel light and free. It makes me forget. So, I woke up early and started getting ready. Then I walked to your picture that is placed in the living room beside a picture of your dad and I. I touched your face and broke into tears. This is not how I imagined I would spend Mother's Day - caressing your cheek through a framed picture. This is not what I wanted.
The race itself was fun. I ran with a few friends and had a great time. Then, I went for brunch with a few friends. A few friends didn't show up. Everyone at the restaurant was with their mothers or their kids. And there I was, sitting with a few friends 'celebrating' my birthday and secretly mourning.
We ended the day by going to an evening mass. Of course, the priest wished all the mothers or women with motherly roles. At the end, he asked all the mothers to stand up for a blessing. I didn't know what to do, but your dad asked me to stand. I started my day with tears and ended my day in tears.
A few people did wish me Happy Mother's day and offered me flowers. It felt good to have others acknowledge that I am a mother, even though you're not here with me. Even though I don't get to post pictures of our perfect first mother's day together.
I did post something on Facebook though. I did post that I celebrated mother's day. I posted pictures of flowers, a picture of you and one of my mom. People might think I'm going crazy or lingering in the past. But I don't care. You will forever be my baby and I will forever be your mother and, as hard as it might be, I will celebrate every single Mother's Day from now on.
I didn't really feel like celebrating my birthday this year - it could be because I'm getting older, but mostly because it falls on Mother's Day...my first mother's day.
It was not at all like I imagined it would be. In my mind, my first Mother's Day was going to be me, holding the little 3-month you and having your dad spoil both of us on that day. It would have been posting perfect pictures of you and I on Facebook, like all the other mother's out there. It would have been getting calls from friends and family, wishing me a happy first Mother's Day.
But no, that is not what was in store for me. I had planned on running a 5K race on my birthday. I wanted to start this new year with something a little intense, something that reflects my life right now...just running from the reality, running from the pain - running makes me feel light and free. It makes me forget. So, I woke up early and started getting ready. Then I walked to your picture that is placed in the living room beside a picture of your dad and I. I touched your face and broke into tears. This is not how I imagined I would spend Mother's Day - caressing your cheek through a framed picture. This is not what I wanted.
The race itself was fun. I ran with a few friends and had a great time. Then, I went for brunch with a few friends. A few friends didn't show up. Everyone at the restaurant was with their mothers or their kids. And there I was, sitting with a few friends 'celebrating' my birthday and secretly mourning.
We ended the day by going to an evening mass. Of course, the priest wished all the mothers or women with motherly roles. At the end, he asked all the mothers to stand up for a blessing. I didn't know what to do, but your dad asked me to stand. I started my day with tears and ended my day in tears.
A few people did wish me Happy Mother's day and offered me flowers. It felt good to have others acknowledge that I am a mother, even though you're not here with me. Even though I don't get to post pictures of our perfect first mother's day together.
I did post something on Facebook though. I did post that I celebrated mother's day. I posted pictures of flowers, a picture of you and one of my mom. People might think I'm going crazy or lingering in the past. But I don't care. You will forever be my baby and I will forever be your mother and, as hard as it might be, I will celebrate every single Mother's Day from now on.
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