Another baby is born...

It’s strange how a day of joy for many can make my heart feel heavy.

One of my best friends had hear baby on Sunday. He was expected to be born 10 days ago. I was beginning to get worried for him, as I know, from my support group, that bad things can happen when the baby is overdue. I was worried that he would be stillborn – because of course, now, whenever a baby is due, I can only imagine the worst. So, I was happy that baby Ari was born healthy and perfect. I am happy that my friends have this beautiful baby in their arms and that they are discovering the joys of parenthood.

But I’m also sad. I know that it  is a horrible thing to say, but it is the truth. As soon as I got the text message, announcing Ari’s birth, I was excited but that feeling got quickly replaced by sadness. I don’t know if it’s jealousy or sorrow, or perhaps both. I asked myself then and there what makes others more worthy than us? Why can they have a healthy baby in their arms and we can’t? What have we done to deserve this? I’m at loss. I’m happy that they have their baby, but in a way, I’m sad that they did. Why is it so easy for everyone else?

My heart feels heavy and dark right now. I am also very conflicted. I’m happy, but I’m not.  These are my friends, I love them and I’m sure I’ll love their baby. But, I’ll also always remember that Ari was supposed to be Leo’s friend. They were supposed to play together, grow together. Instead, I get to watch Ari grow instead of watching my own son grow.