When I hear stories of women who gave birth at 40 weeks but had a still born, I feel like that is worst than what I went through. They were ready to have a baby, they told their friends and family they were about to delivery, they had a baby shower, the nursery ready, the clothes and toys purchased. They were so close to becoming parents.
Then I think about our story. Giving birth to you at 23 weeks was unexpected. I still wasn't ready, hadn't had a baby shower yet, had not purchased all the thigs you need, had not assembled your crib.
But lately, I am a little envious of those who got to carry their babies full term. They had 40 weeks with their baby, I had 23. I wish I got to carry you longer, I liked knowing that you were with me. Unlike those who went full-term, I didn't get to feel your kicks, your hick ups, your summersaults. I missed out on all of that. I had just started feeling some flutter. That is all I felt.
I regret not talking to you while you were in my belly. I regret not singing or reading to you. Had I known our time together would have been so short, I would have taken more time to really be with you.
These past 2 days I've begun feeling like I'm carrying a baby. I don't know if I'm going crazy, because I'm not pregnant. Maybe I'm feeling something else...whatever it is, I like the feeling. It reminds me of when you were in me, growing safely. It reminds me of my excitement and hope for our future.
I really miss you Leo.
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