I wish I could go back to being the happy go lucky person I was before I lost you. But in a strange way, I want to continue feeling the pain. I fear that stopping to feel it means that I'm over it or that I'm forgetting you.
Most parents feel love, joy, pride, marvel, etc. towards their kids. They feel these things over and over again and everyday. As a loss mother, I only know two feelings: love and deep sadness. And I think the sadness is more intense than the love. Or maybe they go hand in hand? Or perhaps I just can't tell which is which anymore.
This pain is all I have left having and losing you. I read loss articles, knowing very well that it will make me cry. I read them anyway. I seek things that will help my tears flow, that will help me focus on my grief.
On May 17, Return to Zero, a movie about a couple who have a stillborn son, is coming out on Lifetime (tv network in the US and UK). I know it will be hard to watch. I know it will take me back to a dark place, that it will take me back to those hard days following your death. I know all this but I need to go through it. I need to feel the pain. I need to relive it over and over again. As crazy as this might sound, I feel that the only way to deal with my grief is to be exposed to other stories like mine. This is what Return to Zero will do for me.
Same. I already have it set to record on my Tivo. It'll be interesting to see how realistic the story seems.
ReplyDeleteWhat did you think Shelby?
DeleteI cried. First it was the battle with the husband on TiVo haha. He kept deleting it thinking it was an accidental recording lol. Once I finally explained and watched it, I definitely cried. It was well done in that it showed a lot of the reality of this type of loss however there were a few things I think could've been left out. Overall it felt oddly therapeutic. It was nice though to have someone speaking out about a topic that is so taboo. It is something so many people have to deal with, it shouldn't have to be kept secret if the families so choose. And it might help someone watching a friend or family member go through a similar situation to empathize and better understand what it is like on this side of things.
DeleteI watched the movie and I didn't cry during, but the tears flowed for a long time afterwards. I completely understand the feeling of not wanting to let go of the sadness. I want to live there in the midst of it, because each day I get a little further away from the last time I held my daughter, born 20 weeks and 6days into pregnancy. Know that you are not alone, I have to pray every day for the strength and a reminder of the hope that she is in heaven waiting for me and my husband to hold her again.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the words of encouragement. I actually haven't seen the movie yet. I'm waiting for my DVD, that is supposed to arrive next week.
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