This is the Happiest Story in the World with the Saddest Ending

My dearest baby, 

I almost didn't go to the support group tonight. I felt like I had enough of being sad and being surrounded by sad people and sad stories. Like someone once said, "something tragic happened to me, but I don't want my life to be a tragedy." Ironically, this was said during one of my support group meetings. 

But I did go. Everyone goes around telling their stories and sharing the hard moments they had since our last meeting. We sit in a circle. We start by saying "Hi, my name is _______and I lost my baby on such and such date". It's like an alcoholics anonymous meeting, except that we all understand that we will never recover from this.  While we were going around, each person sharing their own stories, I started to get nervous. "What am I going to say? I'm feeling pretty good these days, I have nothing to share."

It's funny how I can even fool myself into thinking that I am doing ok. I told my group about how I am surprised at things that will trigger my emotions and make me cry. I shared with them the story of my friend whose baby registry contains some of the same clothes I bought for you. As I was sharing that story, I began to cry and had a hard time finishing what I was saying. I know it makes zero sense. People who have never lost a child must think I'm crazy. And yes, I know that everyone shops for baby clothes at Amazon.com and Carter and that I would eventually have seen a baby wearing the same clothes you were supposed to wear. I don't know what it is about this that upsets me so much. They are just clothes. When I bought them, I thought you'd look so adorable in them - but you never got to wear them. 

One of the loss books I read recently had a line that said "this is the happiest story in the world, with the saddest ending." That's your story Leo. Announcing your arrival brought so much happiness to so many people around us. But this is a sad ending. The story has ended, but the pain is still here. 

I love you.