Why did this happen to me?

I have been trying to keep a positive outlook, to focus on the good things that are happening to me and around me. I think I have done a decent job at that. But though I try to be strong, though I try to be positive, I am human. I fall, I cry, and I fail at time; I fail many times. 

This weekend I started to wonder why this happened to me. Why did I have to go through the loss of a child? If God didn't mean for me to become a mother, why did he allow me to get pregnant and give birth, only to have my baby die in my arms? Why, why, WHY? What did I do to deserve this? Is there anything more painful that He could have put me through? I don't think so. 

Yes, everything happens for a reason...but what is the reason? When will I finally find out what the reason is for losing  my child? How long do I need to wait before I start to understand this? 

People look at me and tell me I'm strong. But I have no choice but to be, or should I say, to 'act' strong when I'm in public. No one wants to see a grown women crying, no one wants to talk about a dead baby. If I didn't act strong, I would make others very uncomfortable. So I reserve my moments of weakness, my moments of pain for when I'm alone. I am not strong - I'm just someone who learned how to be in public if you don't want others to start avoiding you. I do lead a double life - the one other see is of a strong and happy woman. The one I see if of a wounded and lost girl who is not too sure what to do or how to carry on.