It's been six months. It's hard to even grasp that thought. 6 months since you were born, 6 months that I've been a mother, 6 months since you died.
In a certain way, time has gone by so fast. I can remember the fear I felt the day you were born, the worry that I experienced. It was the first time that I really worried about you. It was the first time I thought of the possibility of losing you. My memories of that day are so clear. It's painful to remember certain parts of it. Like going into the hospital not knowing what was going on. Or giving you to the nurse and watching her take you away...to the morgue.
In another way, it feels like a lifetime has gone by since you came into our lives. I feel like a completely different person. I've gone through so much, felt so much pain, felt so many new things in the past few months. I think I've grown older, wiser and perhaps a little more cynical. I've got more grey hair too. I blame you for that Leo, just like my mom blamed me for all her grey hairs. :)
What can I say to you right now? You changed my life. I want to say that you changed it for the better because your loss did lead to a few positive things that wouldn't have happened otherwise. But it's still hard for me to convince myself that this happened for the best. I am still wiping tears off my face and comforting your dad in the middle of the night...how can losing you be for the best? I am still searching for an answer.
In the meantime Leo, happy half birthday. I love you and am already thinking of ways in which we'll celebrate your 1st birthday.
Ta maman qui t'aime fort.
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