My dear Leo,
I should be 39 weeks pregnant right now, making final arrangements, making sure we have everything ready for you. I should be huge, I should be resting ice cream bowls on my belly, asking for help to tie my shoes. I should be excited, nervous, impatient to see you. I shouldn't be sad, I shouldn't be crying for you, I shouldn't be mourning you.
I know a due date is just an estimation of when you should have come. You might have been born a little before or a little after....but your due date represents the date that my life would have changed. It represents the time I would have gone from being a carefree adult to a worried mom. But mostly, it represents the time that I would be holding you in my arms, feeding you, signing to you, bathing you, changing you.
It's been less than 4 months that you came and left but it feels like a lifetime. I am just going through the motions: wake up, eat, go to work, come home, eat, sleep. I've become pretty good at that. People who meet me have no idea of what happened to me, they have no idea that I went through the most tragic thing in my life, they have no idea that I'm hurting.
I know I shouldn't define myself by your loss. I shouldn't be known as the woman who lost her baby. But in a way, I want people to know. It's the only way they'll know that you were here, that you existed. Why shouldn't I talk about you when others talk about their own children?
I miss you Leo. I wish you were here.
I know a due date is just an estimation of when you should have come. You might have been born a little before or a little after....but your due date represents the date that my life would have changed. It represents the time I would have gone from being a carefree adult to a worried mom. But mostly, it represents the time that I would be holding you in my arms, feeding you, signing to you, bathing you, changing you.
It's been less than 4 months that you came and left but it feels like a lifetime. I am just going through the motions: wake up, eat, go to work, come home, eat, sleep. I've become pretty good at that. People who meet me have no idea of what happened to me, they have no idea that I went through the most tragic thing in my life, they have no idea that I'm hurting.
I know I shouldn't define myself by your loss. I shouldn't be known as the woman who lost her baby. But in a way, I want people to know. It's the only way they'll know that you were here, that you existed. Why shouldn't I talk about you when others talk about their own children?
I miss you Leo. I wish you were here.
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