Friday, January 31, 2014

Feeling better, feeling guilty

Dear Leo,
I haven't written to you in a while. The truth is, I'm feeling better now. When I think of you, I don't feel sad that I lost you, I feel happy that I had you. I can cherish the 1 hour we spent together and feel ok. I'm holding on to that moment, I'm holding on tight; it was, after all, the only moment we had.

I am also feeling a little guilty for not being as sad, as broken as I was in the first few months after you left us. The pain I felt, was excruciating, but in a strange way, it was also comforting. It was a pain that came from love. Now, I don't feel that deep sharp pain anymore. It doesn't hurt as bad. I can go days without crying. I worry that this means that I'm moving on. I know I need to continue living, but I certainly don't want to forget you. 

This week, I couldn't remember how much you weighted when you were born. I can believe I have already forgotten that!   I am so afraid to forget more and more. I already don't have many memories to hold on to! 

I am so grateful for all the pictures and videos we have of you. 


2 comments:

  1. Leo is beautiful...I'm so sorry you didn't have more time with him. I found your blog tonight and so much of what you've written has resonated with me. I lost my two baby boys six weeks ago. They were born at 26 weeks. I'm heartbroken. I just wanted to write a note to say that a stranger is sending you warm thoughts and a big hug.

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  2. Hi S, thank you for your kind words. I am deeply sorry for your lost. Now that I know how much this hurts, I hate hearing about people going through a similar experience. I hope you are able to find peace and comfort in the memory of your boys. xxx

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