The Scariest, Happiest, Saddest Day of our Lives

Tuesday, October 22, 2013 - that is when our lives changed forever. The weird thing is that we weren't expecting it to happen. It was a regular day. Good old, normal day. How I underestimated how great a boring day can be sometimes!

In the morning of October 22, I had a regular checkup with my OBGYN. As I was walking up the hill to my Dr.'s office, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. It lasted 5 seconds and then I was all better. I thought that it might just be due to the fact that I was walking up a steep hill. My appointment went fine. We heard my baby boy's heart - it was beating strong and fast, as it should. 

I then got on a bus to go to work and felt that same pain again. This time I also felt like peeing, but after a few seconds, I felt fine again. I thought these might be Braxton Hicks contractions. I started googling that, trying to learn more about it. I was at 23 weeks, in my second semester. I read that Braxton Hicks typically happen around week 30, but that some women do get them during the second trimester. Ok - good! I felt relieved. 

When I got to work, I felt a couple more of these 'practice contractions'. They were a little painful though, and Braxton Hicks are not supposed to be painful...just uncomfortable. During my lunch hour, I kept feeling the pain more frequently. At least 5 times and it was really painful. I went into the restroom. The only thing that made me feel better was peeing or trying to pass bowel movements. But then I noticed I was bleeding and knew right away that that was not normal. I got so scared that I started to cry. I got myself together and went back to my desk....but I couldn't work, still in pain. 

My office is attached to a Group Health clinic. I told my colleague that I wasn't well and was going  to try to see a Dr. at Group Health. I went in there, in tears (a mix of fear and pain) and told the receptionist that I was 23 weeks pregnant, in pain and bleeding. I asked if I could see a doctor. Her response? "Sorry, we don't take patients who are not registered with us." I was so mad, but had no energy to argue with her. When I think back though, it infuriates me. She could have offered to have a nurse talk to me or offered to called an ambulance. SOMETHING! Don't just leave me there when you can clearly see I'm in pain! 

I went back to my desk but was feeling too hot so went outside for fresh air. One of my colleagues saw me and I told him I needed to leave, since I wasn't well. He asked "do you want a ride to the bus stop?" and I said "no, I need to go to the ER". He drove me to the nearest hospital and I told him it was ok to leave, that I would email him to let him know how I was. 

The doctor took me right away. The ultrasound showed that my baby's heart was still beating and that the baby was moving. I felt relieved. At least it's not a miscarriage! Phew. But the doctor did say that I was bleeding a little too much. I called my husband at that point and told him what was going on. I couldn't really speak. I was a mess because I was really scared and just managed to tell him that I was in the hospital and was being transferred to the hospital near our house. Within minutes, I was put into an ambulance and sent off. 

When I got to the ER at my local hospital, they gave me some medication to lessen the contraction pains I was feeling. I'm not sure that really worked. Then, I got an ultrasound done. The ultrasound showed that I was already at 6cm dilated. I asked the doctor "at how many cms do I need to be to deliver?" I felt stupid...I didn't even know that piece of information. But I wasn't ready to deliver, I hadn't done all my reading, all my homework... I still had 18 weeks to go! The doctor said "10 cms". They gave me a drug called Magnesium, which is supposed to slow down the labor. Best case scenario, I was told, I would be on this drug for  1 week at the hospital. But the drug didn't work; my contractions were getting closer and closer together and were more intense. 

I was transferred to the labor and delivery unit and told that I would likely deliver that same night. I always thought I was strong and had a high pain threshold, but the pain was getting hard to handle. In the meantime, the doctors were telling us that when a woman delivers before reaching 24 weeks, the parents have to decide whether or not to save the baby. After 24 weeks, the hospital has to do everything they can to save the baby. I was in so much pain, I couldn't think straight and couldn't make such a big decision. My husband was running around, talking to the NICU doctor, calling friends who have gone through this, gathering all kinds of information. He asked me what I wanted and I remember saying "I don't want this baby to have a hard life". At that time, I didn't know my baby, I didn't know what it was like to feel love for your own child. I am almost ashamed to say that I didn't  want to save him....but that was me before becoming a parent. 

Finally, we decided we would try to save him. I asked for an epidural because I just couldn't cope with the pain anymore. I was hot, sweating like crazy, in pain...I just wanted to get this over with. I told the doctors I was ready to push. They got set up...it all happened so fast. Before I knew it, our baby boy was born. I didn't feel him coming out and I didn't hear him. My first question was "is he alive?" He was, but he wasn't developed enough to know how to cry. The NICU doctors took him right away and tried giving him oxygen...but his little lungs weren't ready for that....he just couldn't retain any of the oxygen. The doctors informed my husband that there's nothing they can do to keep him. 

My baby boy, Leonardo, was placed into my arms. He was still breathing and his little heart was beating slowly. He smiled, he put his fingers on his lips, he made some sounds. He was perfect; absolutely perfect. The cutest little nose - like my husband's. He also had my husband's chin and long arms. He had my big eyes and my dad's big ears. His fingers were long, his head was full of dark soft hair. We had him with us for about an hour before he passed away in my arms. I knew he had left us, but I kept stroking his cheek with my fingers. 

The nurse asked us if she could clean him and weight him. She did all that in our room. He was 12.5 inches long, 1 pound 8 ounces.  Born at 8:19pm, passed away at 9:21pm. The nurse took some hand and foot imprints, took some pictures, filled out his birth certificate. Then I got Leonardo back in my arms. I kept him with us overnight in the hospital. We had our dead son in our arms, but we kept kissing him, holding him, loving him. Finally, we fell asleep. When we woke up, we held him some more, sang to him, took more pictures. At 11am we were told that we could leave the hospital...but we stayed until 3pm. We just couldn't put Leo down. We couldn't leave him. When we finally gave him to the nurse, we broke down into tears. How horrible is it to give birth and not be able to take your baby home with you? I felt so empty. 

I am grateful to have had 1 hour with him, to have heard his voice. I feel happy knowing that Leo felt our love for him. I am grateful to him to have shown me what it means to love your child so much, what it means to be a parent. This also showed me how strong my husband is, how amazing and calm he was during this stressful situation. I'm in awe of  him right now. I think he had a much harder job than I did during the whole delivery period. He had to make the tough calls, he had to inform our families, he had to talk to many doctors and friends. I saw a really amazing side of him and love him so much more for that. 

 I haven't asked myself or God why this happened to me. I think that's a useless question and know there's no answer to it. I have never felt so much pain though. This really hurts. I do feel it's unfair that this happened.  Oh it's so unfair. I followed all the rules, I was eating healthy, kept active, stayed away from alcohol, caffeine, lunch meats, etc. I did everything! I do feel guilty even though the doctors told me this was not my fault...my cervix was weak, it opened too quickly, it's genetic, I was born with a weak cervix. But I am angry at my cervix, as ridiculous as that might sound. I also miss feeling him in my belly, I am mad that in just a few days my bump has disappeared. There are no signs that I was pregnant, that I delivered a baby boy, that I am a mother. No signs of any of that. I sometimes feel that this was all a bad dream and then I come to the tough realization that no, it wasn't. This was real. It happened to me, to us. 

Leo, I love you. I know you weren't meant to be in this world, but I miss you and wish I could hold you longer. I wish I could show you how much I love you and how great of a mother I would have been. I wish you had met your dad and seen how amazing he is. 

You will forever be in our hearts.

Leonardo, born on October 22, 2013 at 8:19pm.
Passed away on October 22, 2013 at 9:21pm.