Dear Leo,
Sunday, October 27th I asked that mass be dedicated to you. Your dad and I went to the 9:30am service. We don't go to mass very often, but I felt that I needed to do this. When I am at church, I typically feel a sense of peace and I needed that this week.
Sitting quietly with my thoughts is always hard. I don't know how many times I cried during mass. Random words in the readings made me tear up. One reading had the words "God is the giver of life". That got me. God gave you to us, but God also took you away.
When they mentioned you, they didn't do it the way I was expecting. They didn't pray for you, they prayed for me and that's not what I wanted. But instead the priest said "let's pray for Natasha and her stillborn son." First of all, you were not stillborn. You lived for a little while, you were in this world with us! Secondly, you're not just my son! I wish they had also said your dad's name. I know it was a mistake, I know they didn't mean any harm, I know I'm overly sensitive right now.
After the service, your dad and I went to light a candle for you. I knelt down and prayed for you and couldn't stop crying. Some people came to me and asked if we were the parents of the baby who passed. Saying to people that you died is the hardest part for me. I can't do it without crying. I rather speak of your life, of the precious moments we had with you.
Your dad and I got many hugs in church from strangers. I'm not going to lie - it helps to get hugs. I like knowing that people are sad with us. Somehow, knowing that others are sharing in our pain helps me and makes me feel like we're not in this alone.
Your dad talked to the priest about resentment. I'm not sure what the priest said but your dad said it made him feel better. That's what counts.
I felt like I needed some air, so we left and walked home in the rain. I'm glad it was raining. I'm glad the skies were as gloomy as I was and that the rain drops mixed with my tears.
Sunday, October 27th I asked that mass be dedicated to you. Your dad and I went to the 9:30am service. We don't go to mass very often, but I felt that I needed to do this. When I am at church, I typically feel a sense of peace and I needed that this week.
Sitting quietly with my thoughts is always hard. I don't know how many times I cried during mass. Random words in the readings made me tear up. One reading had the words "God is the giver of life". That got me. God gave you to us, but God also took you away.
When they mentioned you, they didn't do it the way I was expecting. They didn't pray for you, they prayed for me and that's not what I wanted. But instead the priest said "let's pray for Natasha and her stillborn son." First of all, you were not stillborn. You lived for a little while, you were in this world with us! Secondly, you're not just my son! I wish they had also said your dad's name. I know it was a mistake, I know they didn't mean any harm, I know I'm overly sensitive right now.
After the service, your dad and I went to light a candle for you. I knelt down and prayed for you and couldn't stop crying. Some people came to me and asked if we were the parents of the baby who passed. Saying to people that you died is the hardest part for me. I can't do it without crying. I rather speak of your life, of the precious moments we had with you.
Your dad and I got many hugs in church from strangers. I'm not going to lie - it helps to get hugs. I like knowing that people are sad with us. Somehow, knowing that others are sharing in our pain helps me and makes me feel like we're not in this alone.
Your dad talked to the priest about resentment. I'm not sure what the priest said but your dad said it made him feel better. That's what counts.
I felt like I needed some air, so we left and walked home in the rain. I'm glad it was raining. I'm glad the skies were as gloomy as I was and that the rain drops mixed with my tears.
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