Going to Group

Dearest angel Leo,

Yesterday I went for my second "Parent Support Group" meeting. The sessions always evoke a mix of emotions for me. On one hand, it feels so good to talk about you to people who truly listen and truly understand how much this hurts. On the other hand, it breaks my heart every time I hear about someone else's loss.

In a way, I'm glad I'm not alone in this. It brigs me comfort to know that others have gone through a loss and that they are able to carry on. But I am learning about the million things that can go wrong during pregnancy. The million reasons women like me lose a child and leave the hospital with empty arms. And gosh, there are so many women like me! So many!

Our stories are all different. We come from different paths of life...paths that normally would have never crossed. Some of us wanted to get pregnant, while others were surprised. Some had easy pregnancies, others struggled. Some were married, divorced, single. We are all so different. Unfortunately, our different stories all have the same ending: a dead baby.

I am just so confused about how this can happen so often. We always hear about child mortality rates going down, doctors being able to save babies who are born at 22 weeks of gestation, all the technological advances in medicine. Why, why is this still happening? Why did I have to lose my precious little boy? I just don't understand.

I don't wish this to anyone and I am so afraid that I might experience it again. But despite all the pain, the agony, the sadness, I'm grateful to have had you Leo. I feel blessed to be your mom and I love you. I would rather have you and lost you, then to never have had you at all.