I'm a little ashamed to say this because I'm your mother and mothers should be mature and strong...but here goes: I have a hard time feeling happy for all my friends who are announcing pregnancies or who are bringing perfect little babies into this world. It's horrible, I know. It's such a happy moment for them. I should know...I was happy too not too long ago.
It's a weird feeling. In a way, I'm relieved that things are going well and that they don't have to experience the gut- wrenching pain of losing a child. But at the same time, I wonder why it's so easy for others. Why wasn't it this simple for me? Why? I'm still struggling with this one.
I got a call this week from a friend announcing a pregnancy. I said all the right things and asked the usual questions: "congratulations! How far along are you? When is the due date? How are you feeling? Do you know the sex? Will you find out? Etc. etc." I think I was able to hide the fact that deep down my heart was aching and my entire being was screaming "why!?!".
This grief is complex to say the least. It brings out the worst in me, but occasionally brings out the best in me. Last week at my monthly parent support group meeting, one of the ladies who suffered a series of baby losses told me she was pregnant. I was genuinely happy for her! After all that she went through she deserves this and I hope that this time, things go right. I'm praying for her, her husband, and this new baby. But why is it that I have no problem being happy for her but struggle to be happy for others? For those who haven't suffered what I suffered? Most of them are deserving of a child too. (Most of them).
If I'm being honest with myself, I think I'm a little jealous. Jealousy is such and ugly and useless feeling. It doesn't amount to anything. But here I am, jealous of all the little perfect families out there. Jealous of those who get to take their babies home, jealous of those complaining about sleepless nights and the terrible twos.
I'm not proud of it. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to get over this ugly feeling.
Please know you are definitely not alone! I have experienced feelings like this too since I lost my baby. In fact, my best friend in the world told me she was pregnant about three weeks ago and I cried. Right on the phone with her! I couldn't even ask any questions. I just told her I was happy for her, but sad for me, and I hope everything was good but I had to go. I'm ashamed to say it but I haven't been even to talk to her since then! I think about her and her pregnancy every day and hope for the best but I can't bring myself to call her. These feelings are completely normal in my opinion and you shouldn't feel bad about them. You experienced a terrible loss, let yourself feel these emotions without judgment. Sending you big hugs and strength.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm sorry Ashleigh. It can be even harder when someone so close to us gets to have what we didnt. Hope you find strength as well. Thanks for your words. xx
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