Dearest Leo,
A few months ago, I contributed some funds for the making of a movie titled "Return to Zero". It's a movie about a couple that have a stillborn son. It's a movie that is meant to break the silence, to help parents who have lost a baby and to help others understand what we all went through. The movie played on Lifetime TV a few times, but I was not able to watch it. Two weeks ago I received the DVD in the mail. I was so excited. I had been waiting a long time for it and it felt surreal to finally have it with me. There it was. I held it for a long time, wondering when I would have the courage to finally watch it. I had seen many previews, I knew this was a story that I would identify myself with...unfortunately. But I also knew that the message was powerful and that I had to watch it.
Well, I finally did. Today was the day. I sat in front of my screen, with a box of tissues by my side, ready to cry. Don't get my wrong, crying is not a bad thing. Sometimes, I need something to help me cry, something that will encourage me to let those feelings out...the feelings of pain, of suffering, of anger. And the movie did that, but it also made me laugh and it made me think. But mostly, it made me feel grateful. When I lost you Leo, I looked online for videos, movies, music that could help me. I looked for ways that could validate my feelings and comfort me...and found very little out there. I'm grateful that this movie came out, that it will help many bereaved parents and their families.
Obviously, I knew how the movie was going to end. I knew their baby would die. It's a little bit like watching the Titanic. You know there will be a catastrophe, and you're watching mostly to see how the events unfold, what happens after, how people get through the tragedy. While my story is different from that of Aaron and Maggie in the movie, our endings are the same: dead baby, suffering, confusion, anger.
It might be strange for me to say this but I loved the movie. I am thankful for the director and actors for having the courage to produce such a beautiful and raw film. But I have to say, that to me, the most beautiful part was at the end...when the credits rolled. There it was, in white on a completely black screen: your name! Because I helped fund the movie, I was blessed to have the opportunity to put your name in the credits. It is so rare to hear your name, and even more rare to see it in writing. I was reading all the names of dead babies on the screen - gosh there were so many and that is so horrible! But I imagine that those babies' parents feel like I feel: really moved, grateful and happy to see our baby's name very clearly written in black and white on the big screen. It's a wonderful feeling.
This movie is for you Leo.
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| Return to Zero movie poster |
Well, I finally did. Today was the day. I sat in front of my screen, with a box of tissues by my side, ready to cry. Don't get my wrong, crying is not a bad thing. Sometimes, I need something to help me cry, something that will encourage me to let those feelings out...the feelings of pain, of suffering, of anger. And the movie did that, but it also made me laugh and it made me think. But mostly, it made me feel grateful. When I lost you Leo, I looked online for videos, movies, music that could help me. I looked for ways that could validate my feelings and comfort me...and found very little out there. I'm grateful that this movie came out, that it will help many bereaved parents and their families.
Obviously, I knew how the movie was going to end. I knew their baby would die. It's a little bit like watching the Titanic. You know there will be a catastrophe, and you're watching mostly to see how the events unfold, what happens after, how people get through the tragedy. While my story is different from that of Aaron and Maggie in the movie, our endings are the same: dead baby, suffering, confusion, anger.
It might be strange for me to say this but I loved the movie. I am thankful for the director and actors for having the courage to produce such a beautiful and raw film. But I have to say, that to me, the most beautiful part was at the end...when the credits rolled. There it was, in white on a completely black screen: your name! Because I helped fund the movie, I was blessed to have the opportunity to put your name in the credits. It is so rare to hear your name, and even more rare to see it in writing. I was reading all the names of dead babies on the screen - gosh there were so many and that is so horrible! But I imagine that those babies' parents feel like I feel: really moved, grateful and happy to see our baby's name very clearly written in black and white on the big screen. It's a wonderful feeling.
This movie is for you Leo.
 |
| Return to Zero credits. In memory of... |
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