I have been reading so many articles written by and for the baby loss community, trying to understand and validate my own feelings and somewhat crazy thoughts. And thank God, I know that most of what is going through my head and heart is normal.
But there's something new that I'm learning now, something that I haven't read about yet. I'm slowly getting to know grief, but most importantly, I'm getting reacquainted with the bereaved me, the me with grief. You know how 2 people in a relationship tend to change? Either through influence or through an active effort to become better or to please one another? Well, Grief is now my daily companion and she is changing me.
Last night I went to a party where someone said "I've heard what happened. I'm sorry. You'll have another one soon." A few months ago, that comment would have upsetted me, but I've grown past that. I've always understood that people don't really know what to say because they can't comprehend the suffering that comes with losing a child, even if the child was in this world for a brief moment. But even though I understood that, it would hurt me deeply to hear others say that I could make everything better by replacing you Leo, with another baby. It would sting and aggregate me. Yesterday though, it didn't affect me at all. I genuinely smiled, grateful that someone had said something to me about you that night. I know it came from a good place and that it must have been hard for her to approach me and say those words.
One of my friends brought her 2-month old baby to the party. I couldn't wait to hold him. While I was playing and taking to that sweet baby, I also realized that I didn't feel any sadness. I didn't wish he was you. I was fully in the moment, enjoying that little boy. No negative feelings or thoughts came to me. It might seem trivial, but this is a huge step for me.
I have had 30+ years to mature, but with grief in my life, I need to go through that process of growth and maturity again. I am making baby steps, but at least, those steps are going forward. I feel somewhat pround of myself for this growth.
You're so very strong. I lost my baby in February and haven't wanted, or been able, to see little babes right now. Or hang out with pregnant people. It just makes me too very sad. I'm glad you're working through it and finding your strength with grief. It's not easy.
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