Dearest Leo,
I have said many times that saying "you can have another baby" to someone whose baby died is a major faux pas. I read somewhere a post that said "My baby is not like a cookie, I can't just have another one". I think people say that to me because they believe I'm sad about not being a mother, that I'm sad about not having a baby...and to some extent, that is true. But more importantly, I'm sad that I lost you. I'm not sad that I lost a baby...I'm sad that I lost you Leo.
And I understand that another child would bring me happiness. So much happiness in fact, that I would hardly have time to think of how sad I am about not having you with me. But not thinking about being sad doesn't take away the pain that I feel about losing you. Not thinking of being sad is just a way to ignore or dismiss a fact that only a few understand: I will always be sad about losing my first child, my son, my baby. This is part of me now, it's part of my life.
But I can't pretend that I do not want another child. I do! I want a baby so bad. The kind of baby that I can take home with me from the hospital. I want a child that I can cuddle with, kiss, hug and play with for the rest of my life and not for just 1 hour.
The making of this new child has become my whole world now and has been far from easy. My weeks are consumed by looking at the calendar, tracking my cycle, calculating my most fertile days, getting all anxious about my ovulation, and putting a lot of pressure on my husband and I to make it count. And then, impatiently waiting for the time to pee on the stick. Crossing my fingers and toes, hoping for the double pink lines. And then, not seeing the lines. And testing again and again until my period comes in...as if the result would be different with a new pregnancy test. Next comes disappointment, anger, frustration, despair. A few days later, I'm back to wishing that days would go by faster so that I can finally be at my most fertile days again. My husband and I text each other about ovulation kits and pregnancy tests. It's so different from the texts that we used to send each other just a few months ago.
I've had 2 months of this trying to conceive cycle. I know, it's not much. Some people try for months, some even for years, before getting pregnant. But I can't wait that long. How can I be patient? I was pregnant and I didn't get to keep my baby. It's unfair that I'm back at square 1, which really feels like square -100 because I lost so much.
Now I'm waiting for a few days to go by before spending $40 on a series of pregnancy tests. I don't like this game of trying and trying and not seeing anything come out of it. I don't like this waiting game. I don't like getting a negative result on the same week that someone else announces their pregnancy...or their healthy newborn baby.
I don't like any of this.
I have said many times that saying "you can have another baby" to someone whose baby died is a major faux pas. I read somewhere a post that said "My baby is not like a cookie, I can't just have another one". I think people say that to me because they believe I'm sad about not being a mother, that I'm sad about not having a baby...and to some extent, that is true. But more importantly, I'm sad that I lost you. I'm not sad that I lost a baby...I'm sad that I lost you Leo.
And I understand that another child would bring me happiness. So much happiness in fact, that I would hardly have time to think of how sad I am about not having you with me. But not thinking about being sad doesn't take away the pain that I feel about losing you. Not thinking of being sad is just a way to ignore or dismiss a fact that only a few understand: I will always be sad about losing my first child, my son, my baby. This is part of me now, it's part of my life.
But I can't pretend that I do not want another child. I do! I want a baby so bad. The kind of baby that I can take home with me from the hospital. I want a child that I can cuddle with, kiss, hug and play with for the rest of my life and not for just 1 hour.
The making of this new child has become my whole world now and has been far from easy. My weeks are consumed by looking at the calendar, tracking my cycle, calculating my most fertile days, getting all anxious about my ovulation, and putting a lot of pressure on my husband and I to make it count. And then, impatiently waiting for the time to pee on the stick. Crossing my fingers and toes, hoping for the double pink lines. And then, not seeing the lines. And testing again and again until my period comes in...as if the result would be different with a new pregnancy test. Next comes disappointment, anger, frustration, despair. A few days later, I'm back to wishing that days would go by faster so that I can finally be at my most fertile days again. My husband and I text each other about ovulation kits and pregnancy tests. It's so different from the texts that we used to send each other just a few months ago.
I've had 2 months of this trying to conceive cycle. I know, it's not much. Some people try for months, some even for years, before getting pregnant. But I can't wait that long. How can I be patient? I was pregnant and I didn't get to keep my baby. It's unfair that I'm back at square 1, which really feels like square -100 because I lost so much.
Now I'm waiting for a few days to go by before spending $40 on a series of pregnancy tests. I don't like this game of trying and trying and not seeing anything come out of it. I don't like this waiting game. I don't like getting a negative result on the same week that someone else announces their pregnancy...or their healthy newborn baby.
I don't like any of this.
I can relate to this soooo much. I lost my first baby in February at 19 weeks. At this time last summer I was trying to conceive for the first time, off the pill, etc. Now it seems so hard to think about and I feel like no, I'm not at the "start" again, I am just trying to get to the race again! After all the pain an heartache of losing a baby it makes it that much harder to contemplate even trying again. I am so fearful of the same thing happening or something even worse. But for all the terrible things in the world there are also good things and I guess we have to have hope! But it is so hard.
ReplyDeleteI am just now catching up on your blog posts, so it seems from your most recent entry you are ttc again now. I am too. I know the feeling of staring at the calendar, tracking, charting. It's not very fun and so much work for something that should come natural. But at least it gives us a semblance of control or knowledge over our bodies, at least that's how it feels for me.