Dear Leo,
On Saturday, I went to my first kid's birthday party after your passing. I didn't think much of it. I was going because it was my friend's child, he was turning 3. I've known him all his life and I wanted to be there to celebrate his life and life in general.
Everyone there had kids. Babies (from 4 months to 9 months), a bunch of 3-year olds and a few older kids (5,6,7 yr old). I was the only one without children. Everyone was busy feeding their kids, watching over them, or talking about parenting. I felt alone, empty, out of place. And then, came in my friend whose baby was born just a few weeks after you. I kept hearing 'he's 9 months'. NINE MONTHS. That's how old you are or would have been. It has been 9 months. I watched that baby and kept imagining how you would be. Would you be crawling like him? Would you be just about to talk like he was? For a moment, I thought about leaving. I seriously considered it. I really didn't belong there. Though I too am a mother, all the parents present had kids that lived. That's the main difference between us.
The best part of the party, was meeting a doula. She was a guest at the party. I learned a lot from here and am strongly considering hiring a doula for my next pregnancy. I need someone to be there with us, to help us think clearly and to really worry about our well-being (it seems that doctors worry more about not being sued than about their patients well-being). I also told the doula about you. It felt great taking about you. I'm not sure many people would be willing to listen, but she did. So I too got to talk about my baby during this party.
Towards the end of the party, I was having a decent time. I played with some of the kids. I held some of the babies. I felt like I was able to overcome a huge obstacle. It wasn't easy. I'm not sure if I'm ready for another party. But I'm glad I took this step.
On Saturday, I went to my first kid's birthday party after your passing. I didn't think much of it. I was going because it was my friend's child, he was turning 3. I've known him all his life and I wanted to be there to celebrate his life and life in general.
Everyone there had kids. Babies (from 4 months to 9 months), a bunch of 3-year olds and a few older kids (5,6,7 yr old). I was the only one without children. Everyone was busy feeding their kids, watching over them, or talking about parenting. I felt alone, empty, out of place. And then, came in my friend whose baby was born just a few weeks after you. I kept hearing 'he's 9 months'. NINE MONTHS. That's how old you are or would have been. It has been 9 months. I watched that baby and kept imagining how you would be. Would you be crawling like him? Would you be just about to talk like he was? For a moment, I thought about leaving. I seriously considered it. I really didn't belong there. Though I too am a mother, all the parents present had kids that lived. That's the main difference between us.
The best part of the party, was meeting a doula. She was a guest at the party. I learned a lot from here and am strongly considering hiring a doula for my next pregnancy. I need someone to be there with us, to help us think clearly and to really worry about our well-being (it seems that doctors worry more about not being sued than about their patients well-being). I also told the doula about you. It felt great taking about you. I'm not sure many people would be willing to listen, but she did. So I too got to talk about my baby during this party.
Towards the end of the party, I was having a decent time. I played with some of the kids. I held some of the babies. I felt like I was able to overcome a huge obstacle. It wasn't easy. I'm not sure if I'm ready for another party. But I'm glad I took this step.
I linked here through babycenter. You blog has moved me to tears, and I am so very sorry for your loss. You deserve the very best, and I pray that your next pregnancy is healthy and happy. I just suffered another early first trimester loss, and I pray that I can handle it with as much grace as your have. God bless.
ReplyDeleteHi there. I'm so sorry for your early loss! It's so unfair right? How are you feeling? I wish you peace and strength during this tough period of your life. I'll be thinking of you.
DeleteI'm heartbroken, but can't wait to try again.
DeleteThank you so much. All the best!