All I Wanted Was a Little Family

My dear little angel,

You're dad left early to go on a business trip today. He'll be back later today, but this is my first day completely alone in the house. I've planned to meet a friend for lunch and am trying to find someone to meet for dinner, so that I'm not entirely alone.

This morning, I really felt like talking to someone about you. I called my dad, but he didn't pick up. I texted a friend and asked if I could call, but she didn't answer. I stopped in front of the mirror a few times today and looked at my belly. When I was pregnant, I didn't really like that I was getting 'fatter'. I always wanted flat abs, and being pregnant is the opposite of flat anything. But now, I miss my bump, I miss you. I feel sad that my stomach is getting back to its original size and that there are no signs that you were ever inside me.

Today, I noticed that my breasts, while still full, didn't leak with milk like they have in the past few days. The fuller breasts were painful but now I'm also sad that I'm losing that. I know it doesn't make much sense because you live in my heart and that will never go away. But I'm struggling with things going so quickly back to normal. Although I feel like I'm dealing with all this pretty well, that I'm being positive and all, I also like feeling the pain. I worry on days where the pain seems less intense.

Many of my friends and family have been saying that your dad and I are strong, that if it was them, they would be on the floor crying. I don't know what to think when I hear such a comment. As if we had the choice. What else are we supposed to do other than be strong? We need to be strong for each other, we need to be strong to continue our lives. Your dad and I are trying to spend a lot of time with friends, which has been so good for us. Being with other allows us to laugh, have fun, live normally. But no one knows how deeply our pain is when we're at home, alone or with each other.

Yesterday, at your cremation, the priest was saying that you were only meant to suffer a little bit in this life. The shock from labor is the only pain you were meant to experience. That is apparently a good thing. You came and left this world without a sin. He said you must have been a saintly person in your previous life. It's so selfish, but I wish you hadn't been so saintly. I wish you had come to us and given us what we were expecting: a life full of joy and frustration, pride and stress....the whole parental package. Yesterday, at the funeral home your dad said "it must be so scary to take your kid to his first day of school". To that I replied "not scarier than this."

I would have given my life, everything I have, to have had you with us Leo. All I wanted was us to be a happy little family. Nothing extraordinary...just a normal family, like all the ones we see around us. 

Heartbeats, Announcements & Ultrasound

It’s been a little while since I wrote a post. My mother came to visit for 2 weeks and now my in-laws are here for another 2 weeks. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks and a lot has happened.

I did some research online on the best way to break the news to loved ones. I liked one suggestion, which was to ask someone to take non-stop pictures while you’re announcing your pregnancy so that you have a series of pictures depicting people’s reactions and emotions. So, I decided to do that, but to go one step further and also ask someone to record it on video.

 

Announcing to your maternal grandma

So, on my mother’s second day here, we took her to a beautiful spot in Seattle. It’s a lookout and you can see the lake, the city, the Space Needle…it’s the spot from where all postcard shots are taken. My husband gave someone our camera and gave someone else his iPhone (for the video recording). He told them that we’re making an announcement and we wanted to capture it. I’m so glad we did! At the moment, when you break the news, it’s hard to be aware of everything. It just goes by so quickly. But when I looked at the pictures, I could really see my mom’s surprise, excitement, tears. It was great. The video too is amazing. I’ve watched it several times already.

Announcing to your paternal grandparents

We did the same with my in-laws. We took them to a different location and got 2 people to help us out (one for the picture, one for the video). Those pictures too were amazing. The video was nice, but I wish we had told the person to come a little closer so that we could have heard everything. But anyway, it’s really precious to be able to look back at all that.

We announced to my dad over Google Hangouts and recorded that too. We did that with my brother-in-law as well. Now, I just need to tell my sister, who apparently is too busy to video chat with me for 10 mins.

During my mom’s visit, at about 12 weeks, we all (mom, husband and I) went to the doctor to hear the baby’s heartbeat. It’s sooooo fast. I was relieved that we could hear it, because I still don’t feel pregnant…so any reassurance that there’s actually a baby in there makes me happy. I’m still not feeling nauseous and I’m not as tired as I was before. I also haven’t gained any weight (on the scale) but can see my belly protruding a little.

This morning, I went to the doctor’s office again. This time, for an ultrasound that would detect if our baby might have any chromosome abnormalities (down syndrome, etc.). It’s part 1 of a two-part test.  They also drew a blood sample from my arm. I’ll know in a week what our chances are. I’m not too worried though.

The nicest part though about today’s visit was actually seeing the baby. The first time (at week 6), all I could see was a little cocoon that didn't look anything like a human. But today, I could see the baby’s 2 legs, 2 arms, fingers, face, brain, spine…wow it already is a little person!!!

I’m officially on my second trimester. It’s now ok to start telling people. Ideally, I’d like to tell my sister before I tell others…I hope that will happen this weekend.