Your Cremation

Dear Leo,

Today, Wednesday, Oct 30th at noon was your cremation. Your father and I arrived there at 11:30am and we got a change to hold you one more time, caress your cheek and admire your perfect little face. I am still amazed at how long your fingers are. I was telling your dad that you couldn't have probably become a great pianist. We also laughed at how much hair you had on your little head. Oh Leo, you are just so beautiful and so perfect!

A hindu priest arrived at 12:20 and performed a ceremony. Your dad and I were a little lost, since we've never gone through this before, but the priest was explaining everything he was doing to us. We sprinkled holy water (from the Ganges) on you, the sprinkled some special herbs, camphor and some other things. Then, we placed flowers all around your body. Your dad then carried you and placed you in the crematorium. It was this large industrial machine. I was scared as soon as I saw it. It hurt me to have you placed in there. Then, your dad pressed the button.

When we left the room with the industrial machines, we cried. We will never see your perfect face again. The priest explained to us that we just placed your body in the crematorium, not your soul. I know you'll always be with us, in our hearts. That does make me feel a little better, but it's still hard because I can't kiss, hug, hold, caress your soul.

This morning, right before the cremation, we got an email from a swami from a temple in Kauai. That temple is of significance importance to your dad, since it follows his traditions. We've never been there, but we are planing to go when we go to Hawaii in November. You were supposed to go with us, while in my belly...but now we decided to spread your ashes there. The swami said that they'll do a ceremony there today at the same time as your cremation...the ceremony is for you Leo. Then, they'll do another one for your dad and I. Apparently, today is the biggest celebration they've had in 12 years. Here's an excerpt of his email:

"As it happens, tomorrow , we will be in the middle of our biggest celebration in 12 years: marking the 12th anniversary of the passing of our Satguru, Sivaya Subramuniyaswami whom we called Gurudeva. One cycle of Jupiter, exactly, since he was cremated. It is a week-long festival with devotees from all over the world. It is noteworthy that, right in the middle of our marking that event, our devas here will be informed of Leo's cremation and asked to attend it and to look after everyone involved. We think probably Gurudeva and Leo will be aware of each other in the marvelous world where they are."

I didn't understand all of it, so your dad had to explain it to me. Sivaya Subramuniyaswami was the person who started the temple in Kauai. He passed away on this day. The Tamil calendar works according to planets, which is why 12 years is a big event. 

My father too has been emailing me saying that he feels your presence near him. I do wish you were with us, but your life Leo, as short as it was, has already touched so many lives. 

We love you,

Ta maman qui t'aime fort 

It's Been a Week Since We Lost You

Dear Leo,

It's already been a week since you came into our lives. To me, it seems like time has stopped since last Tuesday...

I have been keeping myself busy by doing random chores around the house and watching plenty of TV. It's when my mind is at rest that I think of you. I'm not crying as much anymore. When I think of you, I mostly smile and think of the hour we spent together.

Last night, I was watching TV with your dad - a show where one of the characters is a guardian angel. I then said to your dad 'you're my guardian angel' and he said 'I can't be, I need to die first'. I broke down into tears. Just the thought of losing your dad, especially after losing you, really upset me. I can't deal with another loss.

Tomorrow is your funeral. We needed to choose something for you to wear - but where do you buy clothes for a baby that is just 1 lb? So,  I went into your drawer. Yes, you already have a drawer in our dresser. It has all the clothes I bought for you and all the clothes your maternal grandma got for you as well. The smallest item in there was a onesie that says "born free".  Isn't that just perfect for you?

I am not looking forward to tomorrow Leo. We will get to see you again, so that's a good thing, but to be honest, I'm a little scared. I don't like thinking that your little perfect body will be cremated and reduced to ashes. The thought of it pains me and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it when I actually see it happening.

Sometimes, all this still seems like a bad dream. It all happened so fast. Exactly 7 days ago at 8:19pm I become a mother and at 9:21pm I lost my son. And here I am now, telling you about your own cremation.

I wish you were here with us Leo.

Funeral Arrangements for our Son

On Saturday, October 26th, my husband  and I had to go to the funeral home to discuss arrangements and sign some documents. We took a cab there. It was the first time I left the house since giving birth to Leo.

On our way to the funeral home, looking through the car window, I saw the world going on. People walking around downtown Seattle, enjoying the sunny Saturday, having fun, carrying on with their lives. It made me mad. How can the world go on? How can these people be walking around as if nothing had happened? I know I can't expect the world to stop because of my loss...I know this is not rational. But my world had collapsed and it felt unreal to see that the world had not changed.

The funeral arrangements were very mechanical. We were just going through the motions. My husband and I have never witnessed a burial or a cremation. Our son's funeral will be our first funeral ever.

We decided to do a cremation, so that we could keep his ashes with us. I know that anything we do right now is not for Leo, it's for us. We're trying to find a way to somehow feel better. So, we decided to just have a very simple cremation. It will just be the two of us and a priest.

After the funeral, we walked to a restaurant to have lunch and then went grocery shopping. It feels good to do normal, mundane tasks. Grocery shopping made me feel normal. We called some friends to pick us up and drive us back home. Then, we prepared dinner and invited ourselves to our friends' house. We shared a meal with them, played a board game, laughed and talked. It felt so good. I don't know if I should feel guilty for having fun that night - I mean, I had fun on the same day that we made funeral arrangements for our baby.

I have my moments at home, when I'm really hurting and sad. The mornings are the worst. You wake up after a good  night sleep and remember what happened. But I also don't want to seclude myself from society, stay at home crying all day long. I want to move on, I need to move on. This doesn't mean I love Leo any less. I don't want to pretend this never happened nor do I want to forget this. I want to live on with the sweet memory of my baby boy.