Hope of Being a Parent Again

Dearest Leo,

I thought the holidays would be tough, but your dad and I ran away to Hawaii again and that was just lovely. It was good to be away, to not really celebrate and to not be around people who knew what we had gone through.

During our trip, we returned to the Hindu Monastery and talked to many of the monks there. Such wise and loving men they are! One of them, specializes in astrology. While reading my stars, he said he can see children in our future. He said that it will be a very active child. I typically don't believe in these things, but when I heard those words, I couldn't help but to shed a few tears of joy and relief. It gives me hope that one day I will be able to be a mother for more than just one hour. 

Last night, I dreamed of holding a baby girl, my baby girl. Everyone was amazed at how beautiful she was. Then, really quickly, I saw the same little girl, but a little older. She was rushing to brush her teeth because she wanted to go play. Then I told her that she has to brush for a whole 2 mins, and I stood there, watching her brush. It's the first time I dream of a child - I sure hope that is a sign.

New baby in the group

My lovely Leo,

On Saturday, I went to visit my friend and her 2-week old baby. I have so many friends who have just given birth or will give birth in the next 6 months...you would have had so many little friends...

I was a little worried about how I would feel seeing another baby, holding another little boy, grabbing someone else's little fingers. It went well though. I'm glad I didn't feel envy, I'm glad I didn't burst into tears, I'm glad I didn't feel sad.

I have to say though that no other baby compares to you. Your little face is just so perfect and you are so adorable. If anything, this visit to my friend made me feel really great about you. I know I don't have you with me and that will always be painful...but as the pain subsides, my love for you grows; and I like that.

If I were you....

Dear Leo,

Yesterday, your dad and I had dinner with some good friends. They helped a lot, providing your dad with a lot of information, when we were in the hospital.

The guy (our friends are a couple) talked mostly to your dad, but the lady, talked to me a lot. She asked details about what happened, about how I felt, about my bump when you were still in me. I really enjoyed talking so much about you. When your dad started listening in and the 4 of us were talking about you, he started to cry. I don't think your father has taken time to process everything yet. I have cried a lot when I was off from work, but your dad hasn't had a chance to really take time off. He's working  a little less, but he is still working. I'm worried about him, but I'm glad that he doesn't bottle it up and that he is able to cry. Although, it does hurt me to see him suffering. During those times, I hate that my body didn't work as it was supposed to. I hate that I'm the reason  your dad is suffering. If I was like every other woman and had a normal cervix, this would have never happened. Gosh, I never knew I could be so mad at my cervix...a part of me I never even thought about before your birth.

Our friend told me that if she were me, she wouldn't be able to go out for dinner after 3 weeks. Other people have told me that I was strong for going back to work, because they wouldn't be able to do that. Others have said similar things, comparing my ability to return to normalcy to their perceived ability to do the same. I know that in a way, it's a compliment. But I started asking myself whether it's normal that I can bounce back so fast. Does that make me a bad mom? Does that make me a strange human being? Does that mean I don't love you as much as I think I do?

Leo, tomorrow I'm visiting my friend who gave birth last Sunday. She had a little boy. I remember thinking that it would be so cool for you, because you'd have a little friend who's just 4 months older than you. Plus, my other friend is pregnant too, and her baby is due 3 months after your due date. You would have had so many little friends! To be honest, I'm excited to see the new baby, but I'm also scared. I'm worried that when I hold him, I'll start crying. I'm worried that holding him will remind me of holding you and that I'll feel envy. I don't want to cry, because visiting a new baby is a happy event and I don't want to ruin it with my sadness. It would be horrible for the new mom. If you are watching over me, please give me the strength to go through this and to be a good friend. Stay close to my heart, so that I feel your presence while holding another baby.