Getting an Apology

Dear Leo,

Four weeks ago, you were born. Four weeks ago, you died. 

I was at work that day and when I started noticing that something was wrong, I went to a clinic that is attached to my office. I went there because that was the closest doctor/nurse office. I went there, because it made sense to me to go a healthcare institution. I went there because I thought they could help me. 

When I got there, told the receptionist that I was 23 weeks pregnant, bleeding and in pain. All she told me was "sorry, I can't accept you in because you're not a member. You should go to a hospital." Mind you I was crying because I was in pain and scared. And still, she didn't do a thing to help me. The only acceptable explanation for her actions (or lack thereof) is that she didn't have a heart. 

It's been 4 weeks since all this happened and although I'm not angry anymore, I felt like I needed to tell her that I wish she had behaved differently. I wish she had called me a taxi or an ambulance. I wish she had given me a glass of water and said "everything will be OK. We will help you."

Today, I went back in there to talk to her. As I was walking up the stairs, I almost turned around. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but it really needed  to be done.  I don't really remember who she was or what she looked like. So I approached one of the receptionists who was there and explained to her what happened. This wasn't a complaint. It was a wish. I just want to make sure that in the future, they help whomever walks through their doors. Isn't that a fair thing to ask of a human being?  

The receptionist listened to me and I could tell that she was truly sorry. She asked me if I wanted to speak to the  manager and I said no. I thought I could talk to her without crying, but I couldn't help it. Saying the words "my baby died" always gets me. I'm glad that she wasn't defensive and that she didn't get mad. She just listened to me, and that's what I needed. I needed someone to listen and say "I'm sorry" and that's what she did. 

I too, dear Leo, am sorry. I shouldn't have even gone there. I should have called an ambulance as soon as I started feeling pain. I shouldn't have waited. There are so many things I would have done differently, but the truth is, I don't know if any of those things would have changed the outcome. I'll never know. 

Clinic and Church

Dear Leo,

On Friday, I went to the clinic. It was my first checkup since the delivery. The good news is that everything is good with me, physically that is. My cervix is close and my uterus is back to normal. I'm feeling good and recovering normally.

The hospital did a pathology on the placenta, just to test if there was something wrong with you. They found that there was a 'late infection'. The doctor said that the placenta probably got infected during or after the delivery. We would worry if the diagnostic was 'chronic infection'. I'm glad nothing was wrong with you. I knew this wasn't your fault. It was mine...I bet you would have stayed in my uterus for much longer if my cervix wasn't incompetent.

Your dad came to the doctor with me. We asked her a lot of questions about my recovery, about 'cervix incompetency' and about getting pregnant again. I will need to be followed by a high-risk OBGYN from now on. Unfortunately, a lot of our questions have no answer...which is frustrating. No answers means there's nothing I can do and if I can't do anything, I don't have control....and if I have no control, I feel helpless. How do I ensure this doesn't happen again?

On Sunday, I went to mass. For some reason, I always end up crying there. I think mass is the only place that forces me to sit down and just be. No cell phones, no tv, no computer...just me and my thoughts. That can be scary at times, believe me. This Sunday, I was sitting in the 3rd row and signing along to this beautiful religious song, when suddenly, the sun shone in through the stained glass windows and onto my face. I looked around and only I had the sun on me...no one else. I took that as a sign. I don't know if it was you Leo or God shining light on me, letting me know that things will be ok...that I will soon be out of the darkness.

After mass, I talked to one of the church's volunteer and she promised to connect me with the priest, so that we can talk about you. Today, I got an email from the priest. I am trying to find ways to make me feel better, so I'm trying everything. From going to mass, talking to the priest, going to support groups (first one will be this week), talking to friends....etc. I am a little worried about meeting with the priest though. Will he make me feel better? Will he tell me that God had better plans for you and that you're in a better place? Because that does not help me at all. Your place is here. There is no better place for you than in my arms. 

Workshop at the Hospital + Carb Attack

Last Saturday, my husband and I went to a 1-hr workshop at the hospital. We were there with another 5-6 couples. A nurse walked us through the basics of pregancy, telling us what to eat, what not to eat, all the things that can go wrong, what to expect, etc.

Since I've been reading "What to Expect When You Are Expecting", I knew a lot already. But, I'm not going to lie, it was scary. To think of all the things that can go wrong, all the infections that can be passed on to the baby, all the things that can cause miscarriages...it was overwhelming. It made it so real - I'm 100% responsible for the well-being of this little creature growing inside me. I've never had so much power and responsibility - ever. It's scary.

After the 1 hr workshop, I did a bunch of blood tests to check if everything is ok, if the baby and I are susceptible to some diseases, etc. That went well  and was fairly uneventful.

Right after the hospital, I went on a 22 mile bike ride with my friends. I was the slowest one. I don't know if I can blame that on pregnancy at all. :)

One thing the nurse told us during the workshop was that drinking a lot of water can prevent many of the pregnancy symptoms. I'm drinking tons of water, which might explain why I haven't had any unpleasant symptoms  yet, other than tiredness. Oh and how am tired!

I started a new job on Monday, and come 2pm, all I could think about was taking a nap. Good thing it wasn't a busy day - but I'm a little worried about when the day does become busy. I have been going home everyday and taking a 1-2 hours nap. On Saturday, I slept in until noon! That's not like me at all.

Today, July 3rd, we get off work at 2:30pm in preparation for the long weekend. At 5pm, my friend is picking me up and we're taking a little trip during the long weekend. I was so happy when I heard it was going to be a short day. The first thing that came to my mind is: I get time to nap!

I'm a little worried about this trip with my friends. We're going to be 5 people, including my husband. We're all pretty active - but I'm worried that I'll just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. We'll see how that goes.

I've started experiencing cravings, but i'm not sure if it's a craving per se, or just that I'm not eating enough....even though I have started eating more. Since about a week, I come home and can't wait to eat bread and other carbs. Yesterday after work, I couldn't wait to go home so I went to a bagel shop and was devasted when I found it closed. So, I went to Starbucks and bought a pumpkin loaf. It was delicious, but it was too small. I got home, made myself a peanut butter croissant sandwich, ate some chips and and Ritz crackers. It felt soooo good!

I haven't gained any weight yet. I read that I'm not really supposed to gain in the first trimester. I've actually lost a little (1 lb) because I've been making a conscious effort to eat healthier.

I think the pregnancy hasn't really hit us yet. I don't know when that is going to happen. Maybe when we start spreading the news? Two more weeks before my mom comes to visit us and we share the news with her! Can't wait!!!